I Choose Myself

Hey bestie 💋,

I wasn’t going to talk about this until later but I’m currently eating dinner and I had the sudden urge to write. This isn’t an easy subject for me but I’m the type of person who heals out loud.

It’s officially been two months since I decided to walk away from a three year relationship. I was certain that this time next year we would be engaged. Now we will never know.

Long story short - He cheated on me. The grief that I feel? Oof… Words honestly cannot explain. I know that his actions are not a direct reflection of me. However, I have moments where I feel immense sadness for letting my own grief from career and life failures get in the way of my relationship. A relationship that was super important to me.

There will never be an excuse to cheat. It’s the ultimate betrayal. He made his choices.

Now I’m choosing myself.

The more that I sit with my feelings, I can’t help but think that the reason I feel like it’s my fault all of this happened even when I know it’s not - is because from a young age I was told that "I should’ve known better”. My sophomore year of college I remember telling my mom I had to go to the doctor because I needed to get tested for an STI (it was bacterial vaginosis). When I tell you she blew up on me.. She B L E W U P. In that moment, I thought to myself, “I should have known better.” And again, an instant rush of guilt came over me. But how could I have known?

It almost feels ridiculous to feel this way because if you know me I’m that friend to be like "F*ck him! You deserve better girl!” But I feel nothing but shame… Like it’s my fault. It’s slowly passing with time, but it still creeps up.

A friend recently asked how I’m getting through all of this because looking at me you couldn’t tell that I’m experiencing hardship. I haven’t stopped crying since I found out he cheated on me. Sometimes I cry for hours or for a couple of minutes. But I allow myself to cry. I don’t think I’m just grieving the end of this relationship but also the future I was preparing for. As as well as the past two years of failures within my life and career - who I thought I was supposed to become and where I wanted to be. This is the first time I’ve really let my emotions out because I finally feel safe enough to do so.

Today I choose love and healing for myself. We all have some sh*t going on. That’s life. But I hope you choose YOURSELF through it all.

Like Cleo Sol said, "Things will get better.” ❤️

Con Amor,

Lorena

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