One of the latest podcast episode’s of LOVERS by Shan Boodram inspired me to write about this topic. Shan sat down with actress, Xosha Roquemore, and they talked out motherhood, sex, and self-worth. Let me tell ya’ll, I lost my virginity at 18 years old and it’s been a hell of a journey! From very exciting to “girl what in the actual f*ck” moments…

Here are 10 brutally honest lessons from my pleasure files! ❤️💋📕

You are enough

This goes for every part of your life. For a very long time (I still feel like this some days) I never believed that I was enough. Sexually, I never felt like I measured up because I didn’t have the biggest boobs, the scar on my stomach made me look weird, and I didn’t meet society’s standards of beauty or sexy. This resulted in giving myself to men that didn’t deserve to know me in a sexual way. Since I was chasing the feeling of being wanted I still did it anyway.

I look at my pictures from my early twenties and I’m just like “girl wtf”. I was and am ENOUGH. I allowed the words of others dictate how I felt about myself. I didn’t grow up in a home where I was shown affection and praise. However, all of that has changed for me because I have taken the steps to heal and really learn to love myself.

Ask for your partner(s) most recent STD/STI results

I came across men who would get upset when I would ask to see their most recent STD/STI panel results… BLOCKED. Immediately. There are so many stigmas that surround sexual health. Society and media uses words like “dirty” and “slut” to sometimes describe people who end up getting an STI/STD.

The reality is that STD’s and STI’s are neither of those words. I understand that shit happens. However, your health and safety comes first. No matter how bad you want to f*ck someone you should never not consider the risks. Next time you find yourself wanting to explore your partner on a deeper level sexually, ask for their most recent test results. Better yet, for your third date go to the clinic and get tested together! Knowing your status is SEXY.

Set boundaries

Speak up and advocate for yourself. Require men to take you out to dinner for the first date and not just drinks. Say no to meeting up for the first time at his apartment. Block him when he sends you unwanted d*ck pics. Women, especially Latinas, are taught to be “niñas buenas”, which can result in us having issues with boundaries and people pleasing.

If you don’t want to do something or someone, it is okay to say no. Actually say no as often as you can because it will give you a sense of liberation. Your “no” and your standards do not make you selfish, picky, hard to please, etc. It makes you a woman who knows what she wants and who has boundaries.

Learn your body

Have you even seen your own pu**y? No judgement at all. However, I encourage you to grab a mirror and explore the way your vulva and vagina looks. Yes, the vulva and vagina are two very different parts of a woman’s body.

When I started having sex I felt like I didn’t know myself. What do I look like? What are my turn ons? Where’s my clit? That all changed for me when I bought my first sex toy. Before then I wasn’t even really sure if I ever experienced an orgasm… Maybe I had, but I didn’t recognize the sensation. Learning about my body, turn ons, and my dislikes helped me truly embrace my sexuality and sexual experiences.

Sex toys add to your experience, not take away

I purchased my first sex toy in my early twenty’s and WOW… It changed the game for me. That was the first time where I was like okay… THAT’S an orgasm! Society has painted sex toys to be this unholy and ugly purchase because we all know that masturbation is frowned upon for us ladies. God forbid a woman wants to cum.

Sex toys opened up an entire world for me that I didn’t know was accessible for women like myself. From clit vibrators to anal plugs - these toys have taught me so much about my body and pleasure.

Communicate your desires

This one goes in hand with exploring your body. How do you expect to communicate your desires, your wants, and your dislikes if you haven’t taken the time to know yourself intimately.

Communicating your desires doesn’t mean that your partner does not know how to pleasure you. Not all. Communication allows you to have a more pleasurable experience for both parties. And if your partner has an issue or gets offended that you’re telling them what you like and don’t like, dump them. Point. Blank. Period.

Sex is a transfer of energy

I’m all for women having one night stands, a roster, and so on. But be cautious of who you decide to have sex with because not everyone deserves to know you so intimately. And sometimes we end up with partners who at the end we figure out that they were never good for us. Those constant yeast infections or bacterial vaginosis symptoms were no coincidence. It’s your body’s way of warning you.

Have sex because YOU want to

Yes, you are allowed to change your mind in the middle of intercourse! I’ve heard so many stories from women where they just went along with having sex because they were afraid of the repercussions of saying no. I’ve came across women who were pressured and guilted into having sex. I am one of those women.

You’re probably asking yourself “girl why didn’t you just speak up?”, which is a valid question. And in all honesty I felt like I couldn’t. It’s so weird to explain but I didn’t feel like I had a voice. Thinking back to those moments I was so lost, insecure, and I did not know how to advocate for myself. As I got older, I realized that I do have a choice. if I wasn’t feeling it then it’s a NOPE for me. And if that person got mad - f*ck them.

Center yourself and decenter men

This one is self explanatory. Don’t wait for man to come and rescue you, choose yourself. Your life can start without being married or in a relationship… Have a euro summer, workout, dress the way you want to dress and not for the male gaze. The opportunities you will come across once you decenter men will be endless. You have always been whole by yourself.

Your pleasure is important

Culturally, I was taught that a mans pleasure is more important than mine. It was instilled in me that women do NOT masturbate.

Society tells us that if we seek out pleasure we are selfish and whores. I’m here to tell you that all of that sh*t is a lie. Sex toys, masturbation, and foreplay are three ways you can center your own pleasure. Be with a partner(s) who finds arousal in making you cum first. Don’t be with a man who get’s pissed when you communicate that the sex isn’t meeting your expectations. Your pleasure MATTERS!

##BONUS##

Have fun

Stop stressing the little details. Do they find me sexy when I make my orgasm face? Are my boobs big enough? Should I wear my sexy lingerie?… Girl have F U N! Overthinking is going to kill your mood and the moment. I know it’s easier said than done but I need you to release the shame, the guilt, the self-consciousness…

You are sexy

You are one of a kind

You exude femininity

Con Amor,
Lorena

Affirmation of The Day ✨

Political Pu**y 🐱

Stay informed with all things pleasure, reproductive justice, women’s health and sexual health around the globe!

• No masturbation for a week = no bueno

• U.S Supreme Court ruled that parents can opt their children out of LGBTQ+ curriculum

• HIV cases rise in the Philippines

• The state of California is being forced to remove gender ideology from federally funded sex ed

• California bill would protect doctors who mail abortion medication

• Solence, a Femtech app, raises 1.6 million euros to address PCOS with AI

Thank you for reading!

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Lorena, Founder @ The P Files | Find me on Youtube , Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn